Give the Dog a Boner

That's not lipstick on my dog, Lucky. That's his dick (or "junk" is apparently the new term) . It's gross and it's been hanging out of its socket since we got him in 2003. That's right. It's been five years almost to the day, that this tip of a bigger-than-your-average-cocker-spaniel penis has been showing its ugly head. No doubt it's dried out. In fact, a couple years ago I was so concerned that it wouldn't go in, that I took him to the vet.

Let me back up - Lucky has three legs. He's missing his back left one. We adopted him like that so DON'T ASK ME WHY HE HAS THREE LEGS (yes, you on the playground, you at the park, you on the street) I DON'T F'NING KNOW.

Well, with the dick thing - I thought maybe his lack of having a back leg had some connection to his organ always hanging out.

So I take him to the vet and explain my dilemma. Let me just say - people who do certain things for a living have a freakishly technical and clinical way of describing things. I mean, they talk as if what they are telling you is everyday information. As if they are a hairdresser saying "you should use conditioner." We've all been there - the gastrointerologist who says, "try some fiber capsules. They will give you nice, soft, fragrant BMs." Anyway, when I tell the vet about Lucky's exposed love log (that was for your benefit - I used the term cock), this is what happened:

Me: I am worried about his penis. It never goes in. I'm afraid it's drying out. Is something really wrong with him?

Vet (fondling Lucky): This doesn't seem to be too much of a problem. I would advise you to stop by Walgreen's on your way home and pick up some K-Y jelly. That way, you can lubricate his penis and put it back in yourself.

Me (gag reflex, but hoping someday I have a blog so I can write this shit down): Really? Fascinating! What would I do?

Vet (continuing to stroke Lucky who is now thoroughly aroused and showing more of the pink tip than normal): Well, let me put some lubricating jelly on my finger tips. There we go. Now just take his penis like so and push it back down into the socket.

Me (speechless):

Vet (now giving Lucky a blow job): See? The penis is back inside and moistened. Do you have some jelly at home or should I give you some?

Me (thinking - no need, dude. I will NEVER be doing this, but thanks for the show): No, but thanks. I'll be on my way.

The funny thing is - I actually DID try this at home. With vaseline. And it worked. I'm not proud. And I never did it again.

I guess that's why Lucky is a COCKer Spaniel.

I know this is the second post about male parts in as many days. I'm not obsessed. This subject just makes for good storytelling. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried!

Break a Testicle

I was surprised to find out the other day that my seven year old daughter, Emma, thinks that testicles are legs.

This conversation came up when we were driving to a friend's house for dinner the other night. Emma was chanting,

"One testicle, two testicles, one penis - yay!"

Kind of random - but, I know where this came from! My son turned ten and went for his annual checkup. The doctor always makes clear that he is going to look at Sam's "private area," and that "no one is allowed to do this but his parents and his doctor." Being ten, Sam was giddy, embarrassed and anticipatory about this whole idea. When the time came for the doctor to check the ten year old package, Sam started giggling like a girl. The doctor, sensing Sam's discomfort, tried to make light of it all and said, "one testicle, two testicles, one penis - yay!" Kind of like a cheerleader would do at a pep rally. The kids found this downright hysterical, as did I. Sometimes grown ups do the queerest things. We spent the ride home imitating the doc. I mean, who wouldn't? Well, probably a more decent mom might take a gentle tone and say "Now, children, the physician was simply investigating Sam's genitalia in a humorous fashion." Not me.

So, back to the car ride. Emma, for whatever reason since this all happened seven months earlier, was repeating this over and over as seven year olds have the habit of doing.


Emma: "One testicle, two testicles, one penis - Yay!"

Me: "Emma do you know what a testicle is?"

Her (quiet for a minute, thinking): "It's a leg."

Me (already with the visual of a body with hairy nuts for legs): "Have you ever seen a penis? Have you noticed the sac hanging down? Believe it or not, there are two balls, nuts, testicles in there. But don't tell your friends or some mom is going to lay me out for teaching her kid about the ball sac. "

I took a long run yesterday. My testicles are sore.