PB&J In the Round

Would you want this freak working with your Girl Scouts? Sometimes I get so bored at these things, I have to spice it up a bit. On this night the girls were decorating paper bags. Now that's fun for second graders, I'm pretty sure. I, on the other hand, have decorated way too many brown bags in my life. After all, before these fancy insulated lunch bags that have special cubicles for everything from carrot sticks to sushi, I used to bring my lunch to school in one of these non-descript brown bags. It was either that or my hard plaid lunchbox. It never occurred to me or my mom or anyone of that generation that it might be a good idea to put an ice pack in with that egg salad sandwich that sat out all night. I'm not sure if all of those childhood stomach bugs were viruses or from the bacteria found in my egg salad sandwich. The bacteria that was allowed to grow after hours of no refrigeration.

Anyway, have you noticed that kid lunches have gotten pretty fancy these days? And I'm not talking just taking your lunch. But buying your lunch. In my day - if you bought lunch you got what they were serving and that was IT. Rectangle pizza day? Here's your slice. Sloppy Joe Wednesday? Take it or leave it.

Nowadays, if you don't like the pizzata or surf burger (the school's rendition of Filet 'o Fish) then you can opt for a Smuckers PB&J. And it's ROUND with NO CRUST! A child's dream. Also, if you're not interested in the chocolate or strawberry milk (cause no one goes for the white milk anymore), then feel free to spend an extra dollar or two and get in Inta' Juice smoothie that has been delivered from the smoothie shop that day at noon. And pizza Wednesdays? Don't even get me started!! No more rectangular cheese pizza. Dominoes comes in and delivers now.

As far as taking lunch to school, damn - every other article in Family Circle or Family Fun magazine is about how to make your child's lunches more innovative and FUN! Hey parents! Try taking a cheese stick, pulling it apart into strings, wrapping those around a cucumber, taking a decorative toothpick and attaching a piece of tofu? Your child will think this is interesting and neat and won't even consider that it might be healthy too! For another option, boil some cauliflower the night before, use food coloring to die it pink, sprinkle it with Parmesan cheese and voila! You've got a tasty and nutritious treat!

I'm thinking we got slighted as kids. Either that, or we were blessed by living in a much simpler time.

Sorry If You're Itching or Burning

Did you know about this?

Let's suppose you're into one night stands or maybe you just sleep around here and there. Let's say you realize you have an STD, anything from crabs to VD. You think to yourself, "Okay, slut, how shall I be the bearer of bad news to those with whom I've romped?" (That is if the whore in you has a conscious). If you're a man whose been sharing your seed amongst the masses, you might address yourself as "man ho" or simply "womanizer."

The good news is that there is a new service just for people like you. You can now notify up to six partners at once about your given STD. It's simple, you select your ecard image, indicate which STD you're carrying (if you've got more than one you might need to do this twice), choose up to six lucky recipients and voila, done!! You can even send it anonomyously. You chicken shit.

I'm still on the fence. How insensitive! How cold! How impersonal! Then I think, "how funny as a practical joke!" But really, maybe spreading the word cuts down on spreading the funk.

You can check it out: www.inspot.org

Terrorists and "Shorty"

It's a new day. Time for a new/old journal entry. I hope you are enjoying this as much as I am. Some of you may know I was living in Athens, Greece at the time so that explains some of the verbiage:

February 19, 1980

"Today was shitty. "Shorty," the great dog who was a stray and belonged to everyone at the AYC (American Youth Club) was killed by the Greeks. The people tied his paws together and beat him with a stick. What a shame. Some people are so anti-American. You know on Friday a terrorist group was planning to bomb the embassy and my dad was in there. But they caught them.

I broke up with Eugene today because he was gonna break up with me. You see on Base (American Air Base) in back of the teen center, he, Sheila and Jason were dancing and he kissed Kelly and he was makin' out with Sheila. So what does he expect me to do, sit around and take all these nasty rumors? No Way! Plus he thinks I make out with other boys over the weekend, which is such a lie. The bitch. God what has gotten into him? I'm glad I had the pleasure of breaking up with him first.

Thad decided to cut me down again about my tits today but this time it was "Let's get her! - No we don't have a microscope." Oh funny I mean it just makes me real happy. Bitch! Bully (our dog) got hit by a car today but he's okay. God one of these days he'll be dead!"

Obviously, this is a much more serious entry in regards to "Shorty" and the terrorists. There were several times when we lived in Greece that the anti-American sentiment was well known to us. Not long before we got there, there had been a serious bombing at the American Embassy, so we always had to be careful about accepting packages. We also had to scan for car bombs before getting in the car each time. Funny thing is I don't remember this at all. It makes me sad about "Shorty" - so cruel.

I do remember Eugene, but not the specifics of him making out with Sheila and Kelly. I'm sure it happened. Those Air Force Brats were kind of white trash (just kidding).

I always loved Thad. He was my crush for several years. He always gave me a hard time about my flat chest.

Ironically enough, Bully, our dog, was poisoned by the Greek police a year later. The police put out poison on the streets in the form of dog food to kill stray dogs. Both of our dogs were killed this way.

Elvis is a Fox

Going back in time can be painful. It can also be hysterical. I started keeping a journal when I was eight. Some of my early entries (and let's call it a diary, not a journal, because at eight I had a baby blue 4x4" diary that you could only open with that little key), anyway, my entries included things like "Today I had oatmeal," and "I read Nancy Drew after school" to my personal favorite: "Today I was sick so I stayed home and played with myself." (Get your mind out of the gutter). There was also an entry on August 16, 1977 that stated "Today Elvis died. I hated him but some people didn't."

As I got older, my journals got more electric and, shall we say, inappropriate. When I was twelve I had a simple brown book in which I wrote my deepest thoughts. The first page of the book was devoted to my older brother, David, and read "David -Don't go any further or else I'll never speak to you again! That goes for any one else who is a goddamn nosey bitch. Just keep out!"

That pretty much sets the stage for what is to come in this journal that dates from December 1979 to July 1980. It is full of profanities and the voice of someone who thinks she is very cool and very mature and very slick. I cringe when I read it, wondering how did I get to be such a goddamn nosey bitch? How did I learn this crap? How did I rise above eventually to be somewhat normal and well adjusted?

As I write this, I am randomly opening this secret brown journal to a page and I am going to type what it says. This is purely for your enjoyment. It frightens me because it takes me inside the head of a somewhat insane 12 year old. Did I mention my son will be twelve in one year?

January 11, 1980

"Not too much has really happened. Yesterday I planned that the whole class would cough at 12:45 p.m. in social studies. The plan went through alright but the teacher wasn't exactly thrilled. She threatened to suspend me. I got a 71% on my science test! Oh, shit I've got to straighten up my act, dammit. I took the re-test. I swear Becca is turning into an asshole. In not too long she will be a drug addict. I'm glad she's leaving this summer. Lisa is turning really popular! I mean it! Don't you hate when your very best friend turns popular on you? I do! I mean she has a boyfriend. I don't, and if I don't get one soon I'm going to get very desperate! Bruce E. is a fox. I really wouldn't mind going with him - but then there's Pat C. He is in the 6th grade and a total fox!"

I share this with you to make you feel better. If you have a child who you think might be a fuckup, I'm here to tell you it's okay. I am no worse for the wear today, although I am certain I drove my parents nuts. The funny thing is overall I did get good grades and had lots of friends. Those were some of my favorite years. I can't imagine why anyone would have wanted to hang out with me. I sound like a real drag. Although if I remember correctly, most of my friends were kind of like me, i.e., using the word "fox" on a regular basis. I am still wondering what would have happened if I "got desperate" because I didn't have a boyfriend. Turned into a lesbian? Castrated someone? Forced myself on Bruce E.? The possibilities are endless.

WTF?

Didn't know prostitutes specialized in jellies and other gifts.

I wonder if products include candied pearl necklaces and last chance lap dance pie? I'm sure you can only pay with dollar bills.

Gay PSA

Watch out, there's a new PSA (I'm talking Public Service Announcement, not a prostate related issue) in town from the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network. I suppose that network basically covers everyone on earth but asexauls. This PSA has made me bow my head in shame and wonder what kind of person I really am.



Okay, I don't say "that's so gay" very often. Usually I just say it with Ken or Joie because it reminds us of being in fifth grade and makes us feel young again. It's what I might've said as an eleven year old when someone brought their pet rock to school in a bed they made out of a shoebox or when my brother wore docksiders with his bell bottoms. I also might have said it after watching the Brady Bunch episode 25, season one when Jan received a mysterious locket in the mail with no indication of who sent it and a manhunt began to find the culprit since the only clue was the typewriter used to type the address dropped its ‘y.’ Meanwhile, the locket mysteriously vanished and Peter suggested that they re-enact exactly what they were doing the night it vanished. Peter was SO gay. Because who re-enacts shit like that?

In my mind, and I might be totally inappropriate and politically incorrect (okay, not "might be," I know I am) saying "that shirt is so gay" is absolutely not the same thing as saying "that shirt is so homosexual." I realize that if someone said "that shirt is so Beth," meaning that Beth meant stupid or ugly or ridiculous, I might take offense. So the key here is to use the phrase sparingly and only with those who truly understand that you are not using the term "gay" to compare an ugly shirt to a lesbian. For example, a recent time I said "that's so gay" was when Joie was imitating someone who had a vicious comb over. I felt I had to call her "gay" just because she looked so stupid, funny and ridiculous all at once.

I am not gay, so I do not know how it must feel to overhear someone using the term in an expensive clothing store and to be reprimanded by Hillary Duff. I don't mean to make total light of the subject, but sometimes it just seems we can't say anything anymore. Don't get me wrong. I don't say this in front of my kids (unless one of them were gay, then I definitely would, just kidding) and I don't say it in public. But I do say it on occasion, in the right company. And if you're gay and reading this, feel free to slap me upside the head with a belittling comment.