Neti vs. Spaghetti

I went to the doctor yesterday.

I'm not a frequent doctor goer - usually only for that annual female business. I love to be told that "you're going to feel some pressure and something cold down there." Why can't they warm up those damn things? And why do they have to make small talk while they've got that up there? We both know what is going on. I have a speculum shoved way the hell up me and you are doing the shoving. So let's be quiet and just get through it. But, no, the doc has to say, "So, any plans for the weekend?," "How about them Broncos?" They could at least stick to the subject with something like: "Any plans to have sex this weekend, i.e., have something other than a speculum up here?" or "Done any horseback riding lately? Because you seem to have done exceptionally well getting your feet into those stirrups."

Yesterday's visit did not involve a speculum, thankfully. I went because I have this cold I can't kick. Antibiotics might be in order. I learned that my normal doctor, a very sensitive and fast talking woman, is on medical leave until the first of the year. Apparently she went to the Philippines and contracted some horrendous illness that no one is willing to speak of. I asked both the receptionist and the nurse what the mystery illness was, and they both were very secretive and withholding. I have now diagnosed her myself with Dengue Fever mostly because it sounds exotic and is one of those diseases that you have heard about forever, but don't really know what it is. Can't say the school nurse has sent home a memo recently saying that Dengue Fever is going around.

But I digress. So, I'm waiting in the exam room for substitute doctor (SD) to appear. I am wondering if it will be a male or female. I am wondering if he or she will talk fast. I am wondering if I should treat the substitute doctor like we used to treat substitute teachers in middle school. I can't find anything to make spit balls with, so I decide to let that one go.

In walks SD. He is approximately fifteen years old. He introduces himself: "Hi. I'm Fabio." No joke. I have two issues with this. Number one: since when do doctors allow us peons to be on a first name basis with them? Number two: WTF? Fabio? Who names their kid Fabio unless he is born with wavy long hair that is perpetually blowing away from his face and has the countenance of someone who will be on thousands of future romance book covers?

This is where the story becomes anti climatic. Dr. Fabio says I have an upper respiratory situation (no shit) and that I should try a neti pot. Now that's an invention that in all its ingenuity makes you wonder, who first tried this thing? It had to have been some parent of a kid who got the spaghetti noodle stuck up one nostril and at the same time coming out of the other. Check this out, paying special attention to how she "blows out of both nostrils" at the end (and you're not alone if you're wondering where in the hell do they get these models? The hair cut alone is an outrage).



Who knew there were special neti pot exercises? Who makes neti pot salt?

Who knew neti and spaghetti were so close in theory?



Bottom line is Dr. Fabio sent me on my way and nicely told me to stop being a pussy and deal with my respiratory situation sans drugs. Fine.

But did you know Fabio, the real Fabio, has never done pornography? What a waste.

What's in a name?

Emma started swimming lessons yesterday. At the last minute a new boy was added to the class. The mother, rather pushy and emphatic in my opinion, said, "This is David-Walter. David hyphen Walter. He goes by David-Walter." I, like the swim instructor, was thinking David has to be his first name, Walter his last. So the swim teacher refers to him as "David." But DW does not respond to "David," does not even bat an eye or look in her direction when called "David" without the "Walter." The mother yells "It's DAVID-WALTER! That's DAVID HYPHEN WALTER! He will not respond to anything else!"

And that is fine. I guess if my name was Mike-Hunt (Mike hyphen Hunt) or Seymore-Butts or Mike-Hawk or Hugh G. Rection I would only respond to the name in total.

My point is, kid names have gotten so out of hand. What was once Joe, Dick (my favorite), Bob, Mary and Sue has become Apple (Gwyneth Paltrow), Sunday, Liquisha, T'nisa, etc. Emma had a little girl named "Cutter" in her camp last week. I hope this isn't what her parents want her to be when she grows up. My theory is that parents want so badly for their kid to be *unique* to *stand out* in the crowd, that Betty is just not going to cut it anymore.

Everyone knows some kid from childhood that had the weird name. But they were one in a hundred. My story is that I went to Young Life camp with two sisters: Cheddar and Swiss. No kidding. Those were their birth certificate names. And, no, I don't think the last name was cheese. A friend of mine knew two twins (or this could be an urban legend) named Lemonjello (prounounced Lemahnjello) and Orangejello (Or-anggjello). You put a french sound twist to the name and you can make lemonjello sound very chic.

I personally like the game where you can make your own god-given name a porn star name. You can do one of two things. Either go to Tim's Web Porn Star Name Generator, select if you want to be a "Pimp" or a "Ho" and enter your name. For example, husband Ken's PS name is "Cockney Velvet" and my dad would be "George Dicks." It is way fun to do this. The other way to get your authentic porn star name is to use this basic formula: take the name of your first pet + the name of the street you live on. So I am Duncan Purdue. That's pretty lame, but I'm sure there are some good one's out there.

What's yours?