My favorite cousin, Anna, just had her first baby. The babe turned two months old on June 2nd. Hearing about someone pushing one out takes me back...
I had my first child, Sam, over ten years ago. The way that I shit the delivery table, however, seems like yesterday.
Let me preface this story by saying that I'm one that has always been constipated. At any given time I probably have several days of turd stored in my body. I am not proud of this. The only way I know how backed up I am is when I poop corn. Then I can trace the corn back to a particular meal. When I do go, however, it is swift and voluminous. This is an important foreshadow to the story.
My water broke at 1:00 a.m. We made our was to the hospital and the strong contractions started pretty much immediately. I begged for and got the epidural. Instantaneously I couldn't feel anything from my waist down. I labored for awhile, then the doc stuck his hand inside and proclaimed it was time to push.
In the movies, you push and scream and grunt for ten minutes, tops, and the baby is out. Not in my case. The doctor left the room. I lay there in stirrup position with the nurse between my legs telling me to push with every contraction. Husband Ken was positioned behind my right shoulder, coaching me along. I pushed and pushed and pushed. What I didn't realize was that every time I pushed, I shit the table. It was at about crap #8 that I smelled that distinctive turd smell. I turned to Ken and asked, "Did I shit?" He smirked and nodded his head. It then dawned on me what the nurse had been doing after every push - WIPING MY ASS!!
Suddenly I became very self conscious in front of the nurse and wanted to make some awkward small talk:
Me: Heh..heh. Guess I've been pooping a bit. In your job, you must be used to this after awhile.
Nurse: No, not really.
Me: Oh.
Nurse: (silence, stern look on her face).
The good news is that by the time Sam crowned, I was clean and there was no fecal matter on his head. The other good news is that with baby #2 I was prepared and did an enema or two in advance.
I had my first child, Sam, over ten years ago. The way that I shit the delivery table, however, seems like yesterday.
Let me preface this story by saying that I'm one that has always been constipated. At any given time I probably have several days of turd stored in my body. I am not proud of this. The only way I know how backed up I am is when I poop corn. Then I can trace the corn back to a particular meal. When I do go, however, it is swift and voluminous. This is an important foreshadow to the story.
My water broke at 1:00 a.m. We made our was to the hospital and the strong contractions started pretty much immediately. I begged for and got the epidural. Instantaneously I couldn't feel anything from my waist down. I labored for awhile, then the doc stuck his hand inside and proclaimed it was time to push.
In the movies, you push and scream and grunt for ten minutes, tops, and the baby is out. Not in my case. The doctor left the room. I lay there in stirrup position with the nurse between my legs telling me to push with every contraction. Husband Ken was positioned behind my right shoulder, coaching me along. I pushed and pushed and pushed. What I didn't realize was that every time I pushed, I shit the table. It was at about crap #8 that I smelled that distinctive turd smell. I turned to Ken and asked, "Did I shit?" He smirked and nodded his head. It then dawned on me what the nurse had been doing after every push - WIPING MY ASS!!
Suddenly I became very self conscious in front of the nurse and wanted to make some awkward small talk:
Me: Heh..heh. Guess I've been pooping a bit. In your job, you must be used to this after awhile.
Nurse: No, not really.
Me: Oh.
Nurse: (silence, stern look on her face).
The good news is that by the time Sam crowned, I was clean and there was no fecal matter on his head. The other good news is that with baby #2 I was prepared and did an enema or two in advance.
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